Back in 1973 I was eight years old. I was still living in Huddersfield Nil, where I was born to Yorkshire parents... I was into all the things eight year old Yorkshire boys were into in 1973: Pop Music, Wacky Races, Midget Gems, the Beano and soft pornography. Happy and carefree days. Like all young Yorkshire boys, I aspired to owning a Lamborghini and a cricket bat signed by Geoff Boycott.
One of my favourite kids TV programmes of the time was Blue Peter. Like all the other kids I appreciated the eclectic educational focus and contemporary mix of features they included in the programme and the altruistic ambience. Moreover, I had a fixation on female presenter Lesley Judd. This would later awaken me sexually and turn into an unrequited solo-masturbatory fixation - If you are reading this in Wigan, that means a 'Lesley Judd Wankfest'.
Anyway, aside from their annual appeals to help the elderly, the starving and the needy, Blue Peter also embraced new ideas and science. And so did I. I was into leading edge gadgets... I had a Stretch Armstrong and everything. They came up with the idea of a Time Capsule. Kids would write about themselves and 1973, including photos and memorabilia, all stored in a buried tin.
This tin would be hermetically sealed and buried. I spent weeks looking for some hermetic...The concept captured my imagination massively.... I imagined that years in the future, someone would dig up my Capsule (without wondering why it was a Callard & Bowser toffee tin with a pair of labradors on the front, wrapped in many layers of Woolworths bags and Sellotape).... I even had a naughty sense of humour way back then and included a single front page from Fiesta magazine.. smirking at the possibility of some scientist opening it in the year 2000... As a kid I couldn't think beyond that year.
I buried my Time Capsule at the edge of a local wood, directly adjacent to a stone water trough / spring, just behind a wall... Obviously I never expected to see it again in my lifetime. Last October I found a 'You Were Out When We Called' card from Parcel Force... three boxes were ticked. These were, It was too big for your letter box.... It's at the depot... We haven't smashed it. I collected the parcel from the depot the following day and my Time Capsule was inside, with instructions to publish the 'entire' contents on this blog and then bury it again in Scotland.
So, corrected for spelling, typed up and scanned, here are the entire contents. The Time Capsule is now buried somewhere near Dunfermline (It's in Scotland)
The Time Capsule:
Hello my name is Robert. I am 8. This is 1973. Let me tell you all about me. I have two gerbils. One bit me on the lip.
You might dig this up in year 2000 after we are all dead. I bet you have a jet pack. I am from a town called Huddersfield. Apart from that 1973 is great.
There is a man called Uric Geller. He bends spoons with his head. My dad says, 'He is taking the piss.'
Food is great in 1973. You can get food in tins. Spaghetti Hoops. Beans and sausage. You can even get a posh Spanish pie in a tin called a Fray Bentos. Also we have one of those new yellow tin openers that sticks out of the wall. You wind it and it's automatic but you have to hold the tin or it goes all over the floor. After a few tins on the floor my dad said, 'The man who invented that is a right penis'. On Fridays we have Arctic Roll. They're not really from the Arctic. They are from Eastbourne. There are loads of foreign foods now. It's great. Findus lasagne, Vesta Chow Mane and Jamaican ginger cake.
In March my Grandad Percy was killed in a sidecar. He was a motorbike racer when he was younger. He was hit by a German in a car called a Heinkel. My dad says that's a shitter.
There is this band called Pink Floyd and they have a new record called 'Dark Side Of The Moon'. I wanted it for my birthday but my dad said they were smelly hippies and got me 'Touch Me' by Gary Glitter instead. He says Gary Glitter is more in touch with the kids of today than Pink Floyd. Gary Glitter is everywhere. He even advertises Heinz soup. One day he'll be prime minister. He'll be better than Edward Heath. Everyone thinks Edward Heath is a pillock. Everybody loves Gary Glitter. My dad keeps saying, 'Up the Gary!'
My mum doesn't like Gary. She says he wears all that stuff to satisfy his big eagle. She likes Jonathan King. She also likes the little annoying kid in the Jackson 5. She said he's got to enjoy it while it lasts as it's a hard life in the pop world if you are black.
America. Joe Frazier is beaten by George Foreman to be world heavyweight champion. The best boxer was a man called Cassius Clay. He changed his name to Muhammad Ali because he liked Salami. They are harmless my dad says. Also a huge twin skyscaper called the World Trade Center has opened in America. It's so high it has flashing lights on the top so planes don't fly into it. The best programme from America is Six Million Dollar Man. My dad says it's rubbish. He says you could buy every footballer in the football league for that, so why spend it on one bloke? I told him the six million dollar man could roll a car over with his bare hands. He said he'd seen my uncle Eric do that after two bottles of Harvey's Bristol Cream but he babbed his kecks doing it.
Thank You
Robert Kirbyson
Copyright Rob Kirbyson
