NOURRITURE- Partie quatre. Plat cuisine (a)

As a nation...why do we eat so much shite? The answer is quite scientific: Because it tastes fucking great. And it's actually a very natural thing to do. Only humans, cats and dogs benefit from the availability of  stupormarket food but generally, an animal in the wild will pig out at any opportunity since it does not really know when it will eat again, or where the next meal is coming from. Getting stuffed is a survival instinct. Once stuffed on Gazelle, a Lion need not worry about food for a day or two. Animals and humans eat fat instinctively, except that a human forgets that availability isn't an issue. We can gorge on any shite and repeat the process as often as we like as long as we have money. If you go to Florida, you can see this process illustrated in it's most extreme way... You can buy 24 doughnuts, a 24" pizza and a litre of Dr Pepper for around £5 / $8 / €6. Most people in Florida look like burst sofas. Diet has shaped human form and function. The USA; a nuclear nation that can launch it's citizens into space from Florida (to fanny about with powdered ice cream) and half of Floridians can't reach their arse to wipe it. That's what the American's call Progress.

'Dubya'

Acrylic on canvas and software

A few years ago I was stranded in Florida after Hurricane Charley wrecked Orlando. While waiting at an intersection two XXXXL ladies were wailing at the side of the road, almost inconsolable and virtually hysterical...'Oh my God...IHOP has been destroyed...oh my God...'  Being British and largely reserved I assumed this was some real tragedy... 'IHOP... Jesus, sounds like the hospital has been wrecked. Poor bastards. I must make a hefty donation.' Ten minutes later I drove past IHOP... International House Of Pancakes. These two flabsters were reacting like they'd just found a thick blue vein on the back of a hotdog.

Almost all food we buy is Convenience whether we  like it or not. Get real. If it has a picture with it and a  Serving Suggestion on it, it's Convenience. Frozen peas take the Serving Suggestion to a new level with the assumption that the peas are to be consumed by someone marginally cleverer than probiotic yoghurt... The bag usually has a close up of peas but instead of a delicate frosting of ice, steam has been airbrushed on, to suggest that the peas are best eaten hot. This is because the manufacturers know that we are unlikely to actually just eat the peas...Not once though have I seen a bag of peas with a picture of someone holding them on a large lump on their head. Why does nobody injure themselves and demand a bag of McKain Smiley Faces... to cheer them up a bit? It's always, 'Aaaaargh, my head...Get the fucking peas out of the freezer quick.' So powerful are the healing properties of peas, you don't even need to ingest them. You just need to touch them and get the vibe.

The dumbest Serving Suggestion I have ever seen is for Kingsfood Hot Dogs. The can shows 8 frankfurters in a pile with two sprigs of parsley. They aren't even on a fucking plate! I'd never thought of eating Hot Dogs that way. I had it in mind to flame grill mine, after a Gran Marnier marinade and serve with  roasted Meditteranean vegetables and a red wine reduction.



Garnish. It grips my shit. It's pointless. It's like Bez without legs...No... it's like Bez. It's like launching a nuclear missile after rubbing dog shit on the end... nice touch but not really needed. It doesn't really improve the function of it.  Junk food doesn't need garnish. Why put half a black olive in the middle of a pizza (McKain)?

Anyway, I have identified a niche in the Convenience Food / Junk Food market. I am looking for investors. This idea is solid gold. It's a type of fusion food which has been totally overlooked yet will change the eating habits of millions of British people. Forget your burgers, curries, kebabs, fish and chips, southern fried chicken, pasties, sandwiches, pizzas and all that stuff...thats yesterday. I know what people want. They want Beefburger Masala. Look me in the eye and tell me I'm wrong.

I predict a diet.

'Dubya' and 'McRib' copyright Rob Kirbyson.





NOURRITURE - Partie Trois. Fruit de Mer.

Fish. Fish are the main ingredient in Fish and Chips, Fish Fingers, Fishcakes etc. Generally speaking the larger the fish, the better it tastes. This is due to something called Fishiness. Big fish like Marlin, Swordfish and Sharks taste way better than Sardines, Sprats and Mackerel. It's just a fact. Bigger fish are less Fishy. In a nutshell, fishy fish are the worst... So if you hold a Mackerel up against a Haddock, you can tell in advance - by relative size -  that the Haddock is better. In the fish world, size matters. The fishiest fish known to man is the Red Herring.

There are so many marine fish types, that after about a dozen cool names like Gurnard, Mullet, Tarpon, Conger etc, the Ministry of Fisheries started allocating descriptive names for fish. So now we have species like Ratfish, Catfish, Guitarfish and Monkfish. A Ratfish looks like a rat. A Catfish has whisker type things and long teeth. A Guitarfish actually looks a bit like a guitar and a Monkfish likes to ejaculate into a sponge.

Hostile Organism

Acrylic on canvas. In the private collection of Rob Lancaster.

'Sea Food'. Molluscs. Beasts from the sea. Call it what you will. I call it 'Bait'. It divides people. Not everyone likes Sea Food. Some are too fishy apparently and they look like organs from inside a rat. Let's be honest... sea food looks and smells repulsive. It doesn't make you salivate like bacon, chips or steak. Sea food is consumed under the influence of alcohol. Where I grew up -  Huddersfield Nil - a sea food vendor would trawl the pubs selling cockles, crabs, squid, hammerhead prawns  and all manner of hideous looking shite. This guy never turned up at 8pm though. No point. He knew that people only eat sea food when they are half shitfaced...so he'd turn up at 10pm and make about £1500.





I've eaten nine mussels over my lifetime. Seven of these were on the same day in a Thai restaurant after a quantity of house white. I remember thinking, 'These are vaguely edible.' The remaining two were eaten on two other visits to the same restaurant and I recall almost throwing up my ringpiece some hefty distance. So there you have it. Marine Molluscs are vaguely edible - if one is drunk. Personally I don't think we are designed to eat sea food... We have just evolved to eat some species which don't poison us... Let me elaborate and attempt to validate my point...

Many shellfish, especially bi-valve molluscs harbour nasty toxins and their digestive glands have to be removed. If ingested this could cause paralysis of the respiratory system, convulsions and a slow lingering death. There may also be a powerful, undignified and inconvenient laxative effect. That's a good enough reason not to eat them I think. 



Worlds Apart

Acrylic on canvas. Painted from a reference photo by Rogue Gene colleague,

Aitch

Also, I have always subscribed to the theory that we humans are land based. Many eminent anthropologists agree with me. We have lungs, walk upright and prune easily when under water. Unless we are from Wigan, our eyes are situated on the front of our heads to provide binocular vision to calculate distance. Basically we have adapted to forage and hunt on land. Our digestive systems have developed to be best served and sustained by mammalian and avian flesh, fruit and vegetables. So why the fuck do some people eat squid? It tastes repellant. Stubbornness is the answer. Some people will eat stuff because it's pointless, unusual and repulsive looking. These people don't prefer molluscs to real food, it's just that they like making a spectacle of themselves and have no gag reflex. They would eat fox snot if it was on the menu.

Basically, beasts from the sea are in a different food chain. They are meant to sustain each other... marine life predating on marine life. A seperate ecosystem in it's own right. The two should not cross over. You never see a Stingray flopping about in a field looking for fucking voles. It knows it's place...Similarly, an Angler Fish doesn't wait on the sea bed, mouth agape,

hoping a hapless stoat will swim into it's maw like a pillock. No...It is clearly biding its time waiting for a pollock.

Piranhas

Acrylic on canvas

Anyway, back to my ongoing Graphic Novel project, 'Grinding Nemo'... The plot is a very familiar one... Disafected son of a Salazar era Portuguese Trawlerman, rediscovers his carnal desires for Conch.

To learn even more about food, read the entries  NOURRITURE - Partie Une and Deux under the September tab to the right  --->

All artwork copyright Rob Kirbyson



NOURRITURE - Partie Deux. Les Anglais.

When it comes to dining, we are not a nation of dog lovers. That's North Korea. In the main, we are a nation of Chicken lovers (Gallus Domesticus). We love Chicken Curries, Chicken Kievs, Southern Fried Chicken, Chicken McNuggets, Chicken Fajitas, Chicken Viennese, Tandoori Chicken, Chicken Chow Mein, Chicken Tonight, Caesar Salad, Chicken Nicoise... We can't get enough chicken. Notice though, that all the above are imported ideas - even Chicken Tonight (USA 1990). Generally, we are not culinary ambassadors in this country. Traditionally, we excel in other disciplines like Wigmaking, Thatching and Morris Dancing.

FKFC

Acrylic on canvas and software.

Faced with all these classic international Chicken dishes, we needed our own very British alternatives to put us back on the world map of fine dining. We answered the world loudly with Ginster's Chicken Slice and Spicy Chicken Pot Noodle. Wherever you go beyond the UK, you will not find these foods. The technology and skills (and desire) to recreate these dishes simply do not exist beyond these shores. To make the task even more daunting for any would be pretenders, we the British, managed to create these dishes without actually putting any chicken in them, thus saving much of our vast chicken population to be rendered down into chicken flavouring for much needed crisps, gravy granules and stock cubes to help fight TWAT - The War Against Terrorism.



Spit Roast

Acrylic on canvas

Similarly, the humble egg has been turned into some marvellously diverse dishes worldwide. Eggs Benedict, Spanish Omelette, Frittata, Quiche, Shakshooka, Devilled Eggs, Eggs Florentine, Ouvo Rancheros, Eggs Mimosa etc. A lot of fannying around frankly, so we British invented Egg and Chips, Pickled Egg - and even found a way to grow one in a pork pie. Again these foods are beyond the scope and palate of non native chefs. They are exclusive to this nation and the direct impact on the influx of international tourism is still unclear.



The Four Dollar Option

Acrylic on canvas

 It should come as no surprise that we do not like to copy French food except for Coleman's powdered Chicken Chasseur and French Mustard. We never open them... They just sit there in the cupboard and are four years out of date. Our problem with the French is that we are still piqued that they invented Berets and French Loafs. The French loaf was actually invented by accident. Little did they know that it could be used elsewhere in the world to create two 12" hotdogs or Billy Bear Ham Baguettes. Philistines. And they think they practically invented Haute Cuisine and Cordon Bleu... Well they haven't fucking tasted Findus Chicken Curry Crispy Pancakes yet! A food with real panache. A pièce de résistance...A dish invented here and exclusively made for us under license by a Swedish food giant using the best ingredients available. Have the French got such a culturally eclectic culinary equivalent? Have they bolleaux.

Kim Jong Il - 2

Acrylic on canvas and software

All artwork copyright Rob Kirbyson.

Service is not included.

NOURRITURE - Partie Une

Food... It makes your mouth water... It's excellent. I could live on it... Unfortunately though, it's the main way we are regularly duped and ripped off in this country. Food trends come and go and the one's that 'go' are the one's where the public have decided that they no longer enjoy the warmth of piss on their backs. Remember cheesy potato skins? What a bastard rip off...The part of the potato that was usually peeled off and discarded or fed to pigs, offered up as a dish for £3.95. The open sandwich... Half a sandwich for more money than a regular sandwich. Cajun Potato wedges... Two small potatoes cut by a potato surgeon, 'dusted' with orange dust-like dust. Yours for £4.95. As they say in this locale, 'Get tae fock!'

Words are used in front of food to cynically add 'value' to it, or infer a costly esoteric process - the cost of which has to be passed on to the customer. A portion of fried mushrooms for example are a third of the price of sauteéd wild woodland mushrooms. No one would buy Onion soup unless it is marketed as French Onion soup, even if it is made in Wales by a Scouser with poly tunnel onions from just outside Shitterton.



Names are misleading yet reassuring aren't they? We get used to them despite them being outright lies. I mean who would eat something called Chicken Keighley or Penistone Cheese? Maybe we like being let down a bit too... Jamaican Ginger Cake, Mars Bars, Spanish Omelette, Greek Yoghurt, Chicken Kiev and Lobster Thermidor...I mean, give us a break... where the fuck is Thermidor?  

The word Organic seems to be a good way to lever a few extra pounds from those wanting to feel wholesome... Next time you are eating Organic Carrots, give yourself a good pat on the back content in the knowledge that you are helping employ several thousand Albanians and Bulgarians who stoically stand all day in warehouses rubbing mud onto Tesco's Selected Carrots to give them that 'just hand pulled' look. Many of these guys may be 'just hand pulled' too.

 Another word added to food which increases it's cost threefold is the word Waitrose. Waitrose specialise in providing food for the hard of thinking and people who cannot be arsed with menial peasant tasks such as mashing potatoes or grating cheese. They also provide essential Ready Meals for the inbred, like Hummingbird Egg Omelette with Shrew's Noses and Stickleback Roe. Waitrose are also poised to introduce the world's first Poach In The Bag Platypus Egg with Beaver Cream. You read it here first...



Even the application of heat - cooking - has a variable pricetag... Pan fried, griddled, stone baked, poached, seared, sauteéd, roasted, flame grilled, slow roasted, reduced, steamed etc...  

Some of these pretentious terms are an insult to the intelligence: Slow Roasted and Pan Fried for example. So you're going to fry my rod caught Atlantic Sea Bass in a real pan? And there's me thinking you'd do it in a fucking banjo...

Anyway, I think it's time for Porc reformé en croûte avec sauce brun... from Chez Màttésôns.

Bon appetit!

All artwork images Copyright Rob Kirbyson.



Bunch of Clowns

Ha ha...I've always been fascinated by clowns, in much the same way as I'm fascinated by sharks. They are mysterious, compelling and sinister but I wouldn't want to come home and find one in my bath.

Clowns are a deep rooted part of our psyche. Silent slapstick movies are descended from the tradition of Clowning around and you just have to admit, that someone getting a custard pie in the face is actually funny, as is seeing someone slip and fall over, or their pants falling down. You just need a drum roll first.The main reason clowns are creepy though, is due to distortion of reality... Bulbous red noses, exaggerated slack jawed smiles, long foreheads, fucked up hair and huge feet... It's like meeting someone from Wigan.

Of course many clowns play upon this sinister appearance and masked identity and are deliberately characterised as evil... such as Pennywise (IT, Stephen King) and even The Joker (Batman, Bob Kane and Bill Finger). The most notorious of real life clowns was John Wayne Gacy. Gacy was a children's entertainer in his spare time in the guise of Pogo the Clown. When the cops came to take apart his house and garden in Chicago, they found twenty nine buried male corpses. All had been raped then murdered. He later claimed he was arrested for 'Keeping a cemetary without a license.'  He was found guilty of 33 counts of murder and executed in 1994. While on death row, Gacy painted clowns himself. These paintings usually sell at around $2,000. That's about $2,000 more than mine and look how shit he was!


Anyway, looking back over my paintings I discovered that I have a worrying back catalogue of clowns and they need to be made public. I would like 9 other cartooned clowns to be taken into consideration.

 

Portrait of John Wayne Gacy (by me). Acrylic on canvas.

Gacy's self portrait

A cover idea / motivation for some writing I'm considering.

Acrylic and ink and software.

This painting depicts Larry Harmon as Bozo (detail). Acrylic on aluminium.

 

McFries with that, arsehole?

Acrylic on canvas.

The Premonition. Acrylic on aluminium.

 

Alone At Last

Acrylic on canvas.

The Last Laugh

Acrylic on canvas.

A Nightmare - Acrylic and pencils and software

Don't have nightmares....

All images copyright Rob Kirbyson except Gacy's self portrait.

Rats...

I have always had a love of rodents...They make me laugh... I've painted Beaver, Groundhog, Gopher and Prarie Dog but the humble rat has always held a fascination for me. They are universally hated yet they rival us for mammalian global domination. 'Thought to have originated in northern China, (The Chinese will flood the world market with anything...)  this rodent has now spread to all continents, except Antarctica, making it the most successful mammal on the planet after humans' (Source: Wikipedia). The UK estimated population varies between 60 million to 200 million. It depends who you ask (Sources: The Government and Rentokil). The rat population has always been a political issue as it is linked with things such as regeneration of delapidated Victorian sewer networks, urban decay and local government spending cuts linked to refuse and pest control.
Rats also vary in size a lot...ranging from 8" to 24" nose to tail (Sources: Rentokil and Bradford City Council)
Rats can eat virtually anything... A rat can happily dine out on dog excrement (any breed, rats do not have a complicated palate) though Matteson's lab tests showed that 12% of rats expressed a slight preference for the taste of Linda McCartney sausages but experienced uncomfortable flatulence afterwards. For me, rats lend themselves to caricature work and comedy, moreso than other animals....that's just me though. Anyway here are some rat inspired works...

Special thanks to Rogue Gene colleague  Andrea Farmer for this collaboration. Oil on canvas entitled Ergot.

Rogue Gene website

Andrea Farmer website

Rest in peace Richard Whiteley. The final Countdown...

September the 11th

It's the anniversary of the terrorist attack on the World Trade Center and still the fundamentalist Christian and Islamic bigots are baying for each other's blood. Violence never sorted anything out. They need their fucking heads banging together.

'9/11' was one of those terrible days that shook the world. Like Diana Spencer being killed... The bombing of Hiroshima... The Jonestown Massacre... John Lennon's assasination... first moon landing... Take That splitting up and the introduction of Bombay Bad Boy Pot Noodle . Everyone knows what they were doing on those fateful days when the news broke.

Anyway I'm off to burn a copy of the Koran, onto CD and create a cartoon of Muhammad Ali... Let me take you back to November 22nd 1963...

Testing... Testing

                                               Rob Kirbyson

                                         CLICK HERE FOR WEBSITE

                                   

As some of you will already know, I now reside in Dunfermline (It's in Scotland), with my partner Kosana. I am lucky in that she is from Dunfermline and not Kilmarnock. If the world needed an enema, Kilmarnock is where you would ram the pipe.

Dunfermline is rather different to Pershore (Worcestershire) in many ways. Pershore inspired cartoons such as these, which aimed to provide an insight into life in a quaint backwater town in rural middle England...

Cartooning and painting are entirely different. Two very different disciplines. I love cartooning as it engages my interest in writing / comedy and delivers preconceived comedy / ideas quickly. I also love painting, as the dialogue / intent, isn't forced and the viewer is left to interpret what they see in their own way. It's their experience. Nobody should influence what a person likes. To me this is truly liberating, creating work without presenting a script. I've sold paintings ranging from a sunflower to a portrait of a serial killer. I loved painting both but the serial killer made me six times more money than the sunflower. It's a strange world and I've always embraced that. I like artistic honesty...When the guy payed me for the portrait of John Wayne Gacy, I thought 'Who would pay all that money for a weird portrait of a guy who murdered 33 people?' Then I thought, 'Shit... not even as a commission, I painted that and I enjoyed it... ' I've always produced exactly what I wanted and never repeated anything. I know that's not the way everyone paints but personally and ethically, that works for me. Painting allows me to explore my head, in silence. Strips and cartoons are my voice in a way and a way to express my comedic side. The strangest thing, is that cartooning is a more difficult process, despite the appearance. A painting is developed from a simple idea and a visualisation...a cartoon is developed firstly as a written gag, then a process of artistic representation to deliver the gag within the fastest time, unambiguously and in the best comedic /artistic way you can. It's a hard life...

This gag was  inspired by Vincenzo Foggini's 3D work (statues - remember them?) 'Samson and the Philistines'. That's worth mentioning if you don't recognize the iconic composition or know little of 16th century Italian sculpture.