NOURRITURE- Partie quatre. Plat cuisine (a)

As a nation...why do we eat so much shite? The answer is quite scientific: Because it tastes fucking great. And it's actually a very natural thing to do. Only humans, cats and dogs benefit from the availability of  stupormarket food but generally, an animal in the wild will pig out at any opportunity since it does not really know when it will eat again, or where the next meal is coming from. Getting stuffed is a survival instinct. Once stuffed on Gazelle, a Lion need not worry about food for a day or two. Animals and humans eat fat instinctively, except that a human forgets that availability isn't an issue. We can gorge on any shite and repeat the process as often as we like as long as we have money. If you go to Florida, you can see this process illustrated in it's most extreme way... You can buy 24 doughnuts, a 24" pizza and a litre of Dr Pepper for around £5 / $8 / €6. Most people in Florida look like burst sofas. Diet has shaped human form and function. The USA; a nuclear nation that can launch it's citizens into space from Florida (to fanny about with powdered ice cream) and half of Floridians can't reach their arse to wipe it. That's what the American's call Progress.

'Dubya'

Acrylic on canvas and software

A few years ago I was stranded in Florida after Hurricane Charley wrecked Orlando. While waiting at an intersection two XXXXL ladies were wailing at the side of the road, almost inconsolable and virtually hysterical...'Oh my God...IHOP has been destroyed...oh my God...'  Being British and largely reserved I assumed this was some real tragedy... 'IHOP... Jesus, sounds like the hospital has been wrecked. Poor bastards. I must make a hefty donation.' Ten minutes later I drove past IHOP... International House Of Pancakes. These two flabsters were reacting like they'd just found a thick blue vein on the back of a hotdog.

Almost all food we buy is Convenience whether we  like it or not. Get real. If it has a picture with it and a  Serving Suggestion on it, it's Convenience. Frozen peas take the Serving Suggestion to a new level with the assumption that the peas are to be consumed by someone marginally cleverer than probiotic yoghurt... The bag usually has a close up of peas but instead of a delicate frosting of ice, steam has been airbrushed on, to suggest that the peas are best eaten hot. This is because the manufacturers know that we are unlikely to actually just eat the peas...Not once though have I seen a bag of peas with a picture of someone holding them on a large lump on their head. Why does nobody injure themselves and demand a bag of McKain Smiley Faces... to cheer them up a bit? It's always, 'Aaaaargh, my head...Get the fucking peas out of the freezer quick.' So powerful are the healing properties of peas, you don't even need to ingest them. You just need to touch them and get the vibe.

The dumbest Serving Suggestion I have ever seen is for Kingsfood Hot Dogs. The can shows 8 frankfurters in a pile with two sprigs of parsley. They aren't even on a fucking plate! I'd never thought of eating Hot Dogs that way. I had it in mind to flame grill mine, after a Gran Marnier marinade and serve with  roasted Meditteranean vegetables and a red wine reduction.



Garnish. It grips my shit. It's pointless. It's like Bez without legs...No... it's like Bez. It's like launching a nuclear missile after rubbing dog shit on the end... nice touch but not really needed. It doesn't really improve the function of it.  Junk food doesn't need garnish. Why put half a black olive in the middle of a pizza (McKain)?

Anyway, I have identified a niche in the Convenience Food / Junk Food market. I am looking for investors. This idea is solid gold. It's a type of fusion food which has been totally overlooked yet will change the eating habits of millions of British people. Forget your burgers, curries, kebabs, fish and chips, southern fried chicken, pasties, sandwiches, pizzas and all that stuff...thats yesterday. I know what people want. They want Beefburger Masala. Look me in the eye and tell me I'm wrong.

I predict a diet.

'Dubya' and 'McRib' copyright Rob Kirbyson.