Rob Kirbyson: Musos: Part One

Musicians (Musos) are a talented lot it has to be said. They are more talented than people who do not play an instrument. Or are they? Last time I caught a bit of the Royal Phil Harmornic, there were a few chancers in there doing next to fuck all. One guy just whacked some Cymbals together and they also had a Trombone section.
Trombones...Get a grip. Anyone can play a Trombone. It ain't complicated. I bought the cat a Trombone and it sold it on Ebay to get an Oboe. More of a challenge apparently. There are no Trombone lessons. The methodology is there right in front of you. You slide the front bit in and out and the low notes are the furthest away. In fact a Trombone is basically a long Bugle with a moving bit. Skill wise, it's less taxing than smoking a frigging bong... you don't inhale, there's less hand / eye coordination and you don't need a lighter. If you would like a musical analogy, it requires only 2000 more brain cells than a Vuvuzela.

Maybe we can tell a lot about a Muso by their choice of instrument. What does a person go through before they wake up one morning and decide they will buy a Mandolin? Why a Mandolin as opposed to a more masculine, complicated, manageable instrument? Why play an instrument that is difficult to see? From fifty feet away a Mandolin player looks like they are loosening up a chicken for all the wrong reasons... Subconciously, why has that person opted for an instrument that looks and sounds feeble and irritating? Is it because they genuinely like the shitty high octave girly twanging noise, or is it because they saw Paul McCartney play one once? By way of advice, never play an instrument that cannot be readily used as a weapon to escape a venue where a riot breaks out. Take it from me, in a mosh, a Mandolin is a One Shot device. After the first guy's face, a Mandolin becomes as effective as a stale baguette.

Obviously, Mandolin's grip my shit...I have a pathological hatred of them... This got me thinking...Everyone has a tolerance level for various musical instruments, so when averaged out there must be a top ten of irritating instruments. In the next posting I will publish an exhaustively researched top ten of hated instruments. Please feel free to Comment and flesh this out...What instruments do you hate?

Some instruments are universally disliked. The Ukelele for instance. If George Formby walked on at Glastonbury, he would be bottled off. Sadly - a sign of our times - some would probably contain piss. Unusually, most small instruments have this effect on people... To put it simply, small instruments are easier to play and make you look like you are fannying around. I mean look at the Bass Guitar...Cool.... yet it's as easy to play as a Mandolin - four strings. Size matters with instruments. It's about ability, credibility and a subtext of sexual prowess. What does a Balalaika say about someone? It says, 'I have sex with fruit.'

Some Balalaika action.

Some instruments are so irritating that they fuel aggression. If you ever attend a Folk Night in a pub where a Banjo player is present, you don't have to wait too long before you hear the sentence, 'He's going to get that round his fucking head in a minute...' You can't win with a Banjo. The better you play it, the more you are disliked. This is logical to a Muso... The better you are on a Banjo, the more of your life you have wasted. You have chosen the Banjo and dedicated your life to it when you could have chosen something else. Anything else except the Accordian, which is too French. Even among musicians there is factionalism and prejudice. Any priest will tell you that a sentence he often hears at the end of someone's life is, 'Is that you Geoffrey?...I wish I'd played less Banjo, Father.'

James Hetfield - Metallica.

Whatever the instrument, all Musos go on about Tone and Sustain. They are the Holy Grail. It's the esoteric language that seperates Musos from non Musos. Especially Guitarists. No Musos are more anal and obsessive than

Guitarists... They can smell different woods... They know the best alloy for fretwire...They know the optimum depth for lacquer and the sonic trade off of neck joints... This is justified. As we all readily accept, Guitars are the king of instruments. That's just a fact. The guitar is the only instrument you can play and have a pair of knickers land on your face. Guitar is the only instrument that has the word Hero after it. How many times have you seen a Cellist with a cigarette clenched between their teeth? Have you ever heard someone play a Violin lick? Is there a console game called Sitar Hero? You see my point... Guitars are the dog's bollocks.

Guitarists even die better than other Musos. How often do you see the headline: Flautist Chokes To Death On Vomit... Bassoon Hero Diced In Powerboat Horror..... Tuba Player Asphyxiated In Motel Wanking Gaff ... Cornet Legend Loses Head In Shotgun Prank... Pink Oboe Virtuoso Found Dead In Barrymore's Pool... To a Guitarist these are routine ways of shuffling from this mortal coil. It's Heroic. It's natural causes...