Firstly, you will never hear, in any language, the sentence, 'These instructions are fantastic!'
Conversely you will often hear the sentence, 'Who the fuck writes these fucking in-fucking-structions?' Instructions tell us a lot about ourselves. Well, the way we decipher them does at least. Some people love instructions and follow them to the letter and others treat them with derision. These people think instructions are for dummies. Personally I stopped following printed instructions after a rather bizarre faux pas with a Felafel mix... I quote: "Pour packet contents into a bowl...Add one egg and 50ml of warm water...Work into balls". Easy mistake to make I thought...
I mean, I'm still puzzled why a PP3 battery still does't say 'Lick other end' on it to stop us fucking our tongues up. We need warning... Why weren't there more Public Information Films in the 70's that addressed stuff we actually we're at risk of doing on a regular basis?
Like, 'Don't fuck about with a mouse trap'... 'Don't light meths on your hand'.... 'Don't leave a bong on the widow sill'... 'Don't burn down a mill after 6 litres of White Lightning'. We need instructions to keep us on the right side of the law and out of harms way.
Life is about Instructions... they are codes to live by. Instructions are a set of steps to get a result. They come in different levels of intellect according to legal liability but they are always there. For example, if you are required to heat something to a skin boiling 200 degrees centigrade or use a power drill they will definately be described as Instructions.
It's like a Legal Disclaimer. It's such a legally sensitive issue, that the people who write the Instructions dare not even 'hint' at how dangerous some innocuous products are... I mean what would happen if on the side of a Pot Noodle it said: Get the kettle on! (Yeah you've been there... Beef and Tomato) Fill to marked level with boiling water. Stir. Stand for 4 minutes and do not lower your bollocks into it. Stir again. Enjoy.... Manchester's hospitals would be deluged. See, that's a terrible assumption about the good people of Manchester but actually posh people eat Pot Noodle too and are no cleverer than the rest of us. Their instructions are slightly different though: Have someone work one's kettle thing! Remove foil lid. Fill pot with boiling Evian to required level. Agitate to deglaze the bottom of the pot. Rest the contents for four minutes in one's Bain Marie. Request fork and napkin Bon appetit!
On a less dangerous level, say, with cosmetics, these are Guidelines and on a trivial level, like eating tinned carrots, these are called Suggestions. I know what you are thinking, 'Nobody actually eats tinned carrots!' Well they do.
I've seen them in Tesco for 36p. Old people fucking swear by them and rely on them for the vitamins they cannot get from cakes and biscuits. Tinned carrots helped us beat Hitler. That's why you can't buy them in Germany.
Perhaps Guidelines appear on inedible things and Suggestions on edible things... Like the helpful comments on lipstick: Apply to lips. Do not ingest. Keep out of reach of children and transvestites. Or the useful serving suggestion on a 100g packet of stuffing mix: 'Chicken not included.' I mean, why not put something useful on there like 'Never wipe your arse on a broken bottle.'
So, there are instructions / guidelines for everything... from making a jelly to nuclear warheads. That worries me a bit to be honest. I get jittery with nuclear weapons... I would have thought that nuclear warheads would be handled by people who don't need instructions...I don't want some prick who can't make a jelly handling my/our nuclear warheads... It probably says in the instructions 'Keep Away From Fire And Islamic Fundamentalists' ...and 'Detonate over a city outside the UK'. Health and safety instructions take on a sinister dichotomy when you are manufacturing weapons of mass destruction. There will even be instructions on how to lift a warhead so you don't put your back out... Can you imagine dropping a nuclear warhead on your foot? I bet it fucking smarts like a bastard.
There'll be a Japanese guy on the phone in no time... 'Ah Kirbysoh... So you think you focker crever bastart?'
I've seen them in Tesco for 36p. Old people fucking swear by them and rely on them for the vitamins they cannot get from cakes and biscuits. Tinned carrots helped us beat Hitler. That's why you can't buy them in Germany.
Perhaps Guidelines appear on inedible things and Suggestions on edible things... Like the helpful comments on lipstick: Apply to lips. Do not ingest. Keep out of reach of children and transvestites. Or the useful serving suggestion on a 100g packet of stuffing mix: 'Chicken not included.' I mean, why not put something useful on there like 'Never wipe your arse on a broken bottle.'
So, there are instructions / guidelines for everything... from making a jelly to nuclear warheads. That worries me a bit to be honest. I get jittery with nuclear weapons... I would have thought that nuclear warheads would be handled by people who don't need instructions...I don't want some prick who can't make a jelly handling my/our nuclear warheads... It probably says in the instructions 'Keep Away From Fire And Islamic Fundamentalists' ...and 'Detonate over a city outside the UK'. Health and safety instructions take on a sinister dichotomy when you are manufacturing weapons of mass destruction. There will even be instructions on how to lift a warhead so you don't put your back out... Can you imagine dropping a nuclear warhead on your foot? I bet it fucking smarts like a bastard.
There'll be a Japanese guy on the phone in no time... 'Ah Kirbysoh... So you think you focker crever bastart?'
Dirtdog Copyright Rob Kirbyson
Represented by (click it):
Coming soon: Instructions: Step 2
LOL. Class. Pure class.
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